


The Act of Suffocation

by HootHoot



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depressing Thoughts, Depression, Literally depressing thoughts, None of the major warnings technically applied, Other, TRIGGER WARNING VERY DEPRESSING, but very DEPRESSING and sad, just a fuckload of problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 03:26:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6357031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HootHoot/pseuds/HootHoot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Suga felt like he was suffocating.<br/>Everyone was staring at him.<br/>He wrecked his brain over the slimy, slithering unspoken words that crawled all over his body, pinching and leaving invisible bruises.<br/>He put on a radiant smile for everyone to see.<br/>“It’s ok, Kageyama-kun. I don’t mind not playing during the practice match with Aoba Josai,” he commented lightly.<br/>What a sick, vile lie that was. What a sick, vile creature he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Act of Suffocation

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please-- this has depressing and anxious thoughts that's not really healthy for all people. If you get triggered by these things, please don't read this it's not a good idea.

Sometimes, Suga felt like he was suffocating.

_ Everyone was staring at him. _

He wrecked his brain over the slimy, slithering unspoken words that crawled all over his body, pinching and leaving invisible bruises.

_ He put on a radiant smile for everyone to see. _

_ “It’s ok, Kageyama-kun. I don’t mind not playing during the practice match with Aoba Josai,” he commented lightly. _

What a sick, vile lie that was. What a sick, vile creature _ he  _ was.

He shouldn’t feel this way. He shouldn’t have to lie about it being okay that Kageyama was playing as setter rather than him. After all, he was absolutely worthless. He played for five years-- three in middle school and two in highschool-- and he was not even good as a first year. Not to mention that he was the only one in the third year trio that didn’t have any extra merit. Asahi had power and solid spikes. Daichi had strong receives and leadership skills. And what did Suga have?

Nothing.

It was really no surprise that Aoba Josai wanted Kageyama to be the starter for the practice match. Maybe they didn’t see any holes in his carefully constructed mask, but they saw holes right in his playing ability.

The only thing he had was the mask that he had created for himself so that he would not appear as pathetic as he really was. The mask that he was the maternal, ever “refreshing” person who actually deserved a space on earth. Sometimes he believed in that mask too. Sometimes he believed that he wasn’t such a waste of air.

Sometimes, just sometimes, Suga would hold his breath for couple minutes because it would make him feel better. The few minutes that Suga was only wasting space and not air, he felt slightly better about himself. After all, there was a limit to how small he could make himself but when he was holding his breath, he wasn’t wasting anything.

_ “Really, I don’t mind at all. Stop staring at me like that, Daichi!” he laughed. _

Everyone was staring at him. He half expected Tsukishima to let out his little “tch”. God knew he deserved it. Whenever Tsukishima let out a little “tch” and said the words “pathetic”, Suga’s heart beat a little faster. He knew that Tsukishima would never even dream of saying those words to him, but the truth was that he was truly the most pathetic one of all.

He had a family, good grades, lived in a first world country, and had friends. His problems were so petty compared to people that were literally starving and dying.

Yet here he stood in the gymnasium, a pile of disgusting trash behind the mask he crafted.

He was such a disappointment.

_ “Anyway, we should probably start practicing more if we’re to win the practice match, right?” he said cheerfully. _

His heartbeat was drowning him oh god he wasn’t sure if he could do this his teammates actually knew him a bit more than Aoba Josai what if they finally got a glimpse behind the mask and found out what a truly horrible being he was oh god what would he do he couldn’t imagine the disgusted stares piercing him and no this couldn’t happen.

_ “Nice receive!” he yelled out. _

‘Nicer than anything you will ever achieve. Look at everyone. They were doing so well. But not you, Suga. You’re not doing well at all. You’re a giant mess. You should just leave. You’re useless. Why would you ruin a perfectly good team like this. You’re the problem. If you’re not here, they’ll go to nationals. You’re a burden. A liability. The only thing you should do in the court is leave. Just leave. Never come back. Hide somewhere where no one can see you. No one should have to look at a monster like you.’

He was so awful that even his own mind was attacking him.

He didn’t try to defend himself. In an odd, twisted way, there was a satisfaction of tearing himself down, like picking on a fresh scab and letting it fall off.

He used to think that depression was a monster that followed him around and prevented him from doing things, but then he realized that depression was just a mirror that showed him the awful monster he was.

He used to think that anxiety was an emergency bell that would go off constantly, leaving him with a feeling that there is always something wrong, something unattended. But then he realized that it was just an alarm clock that reminded him to look at the mirror called depression.

_ “Don’t mind, don’t mind!” he encouraged his teammates. _

He sometimes tried to encourage himself too. But then he immediately got struck by how nasty he was and got even more disgusted at himself for trying to fool himself into thinking he was human.

He was a monster, nothing more. The worst kind of monsters. If another monster were to look at him, they would probably shriek in horror. Although he did not physically look like a monster, what was hiding behind his thin skin was a monster beyond imagination.

He felt sorry for his parents. So, so sorry. The fact that they had to deal with him for all these years must be disgusting. He was sure that although his parents didn’t show it, they knew about the true horror he was. They were probably just not making it obvious because of societal expectation that parents love their child unconditionally.

It was ironic that the society that would shun his true self was what protected him from the worst.

But then he felt worse. He felt worse that he was imposing on his parents to take care of him, to appear like they actually liked him. He was sure that behind  _ their _ masks were disgusted stares and screams of horror.

_ “Come on Suga-san!” His teammates called for him. _

Did he daze off again? What a useless, uncaring creature he was. All his teammates were working hard yet he dared to daze off. He dared to be an unproductive mess that inconvenienced his teammates. He really shouldn’t feel bad about Kageyama being the starter for the Aoba Josai match. Actually, it would be a good excuse for him to take up less space in the team.

Ha, was he doing this now because it would make him look like a nice person he was? How disgusting. How pathetic. Relying on such methods to appear like a decent person. How vile for him to take advantage of the situation and make himself not look like a monster.

Disgusting.

_ He smiled and yelled out a small apology and set another ball for the team. His teammates were practicing hard, and Suga joined them in their efforts. His mind was constantly wheeling and turning, each step he took was another criticism that he brought upon himself. He sometimes wondered if joining the team was a mistake, but it was too late at this point to do anything about it. The best thing that he could do was to survive the last year and hope that his mask didn’t break. He’d add layers and layers of anything he could to make sure of that. _

Sugawara Koushi built his outer walls by breaking and hollowing out his insides.

_ He gave Kageyama a smile and a thumbs up _ .

**Author's Note:**

> Hello this is HootHoot (훗훗) and if you made it this far it means you read this all. I'm a horrible person and I write depressing things.  
> I seem to be almost incapable of writing happy stuff. //SWEATS  
> Which is kinda weird since my other fandoms I wrote very very happy always happy ending stuff and now I'm turning into a major angst ball.  
> Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed and every comment/kudos is appreciated!! Thank you. : )


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